Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Alive.
So much puke
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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