There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
