after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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