Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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