I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize