I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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