if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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