hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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