May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
