Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
