How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
