i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
