My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
