Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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