I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
