He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
