The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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