I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
