You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
