Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
