So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
