We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
