you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
