I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
