It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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