I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
