I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
