i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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