There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
