new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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