Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
