The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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