I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
