I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
