saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
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