sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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