My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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