Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
