Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
