he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
