So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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