My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
