im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
