Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
