I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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