You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
