I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
