2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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