i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
