How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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