non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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