Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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