i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
