Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
