My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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