Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
